Terrible Confusion of Moods... Terrible Confusion of Life, Funeral, Friends, Depression, Drugs and Sleep...

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MY MOODS are in terrible confusion... I really do not know what to say... when, about who?.. about me...?...//... why?...//how. I'm a manic-depressive. My moods are prone to be mixed up and extreme... and TO the extreme. I'm sitting here having just given long, long answers to Beverly under my last post. I'm attempting to conduct some formal research into people's experience of mood disorders and how badly these people were impacted, what symptoms they dealt with and to what severity for what length of time, and how they coped. In depression, some people oversleep; some undersleep. Some experience a cycling sleep disturbance in which insomnia and hypersomnia hit at varying, different times.

This past weekend I've been feeling truly terrible. There's been a death in the family ~~ my step-Granny died last week; the funeral's in London; everyone is coming and I said I'd go. Truly: when I think about what's going on, and how many people I'm going to have to deal with... I just cannot handle it.

I asked Binky whether she'd be willing to go with me and she said yes. I also have a friend called Mitt who offered, for the cost of the petrol, to drive me across town and back.

I spoke to a person in my family whose viewpoint I respect earlier today, who asked basically how emotionally I was going to cope. What with my mood having peaked and troughed and cycled up and down in days gone by. And nobody knowing what it's going to be on the Day that is Not About Me at all (and I don't want people thinking about me then either). In truth, the mood swings I get nowadays are nowhere Near as extreme as bipolar moods can go. But, in truth also, I still feel like a basket case.

We had The Conversation earlier on and it was agreed that my meeting my Dad and my Step Mum and Brothers (I have 2) for the first time in eight, ten and twelve years respectively ~~ would be far better done under less stress-laden circumstances.

But Binky, never one to miss the opportunity for an emotional meltdown in her own life, wants to disagree. She says it's really disrespectful not to go when this funeral of a lady who spent her latter years in West Wales but always wanted to be Laid To Rest with her Late Husband in an Outer Suburb of West London is taking place in a location reachable by me. When I could attend if I Really Wanted To. If I could Only Tough It Out... Timewise, whether we went by car or tube, the cemetary would probably be equidistant.

Binky was really peeved and pissed off with me for having switched off my phone on her and anyone else who might have wanted to ring me back. And for having agreed to come across town with me for this funeral. And now I'm chickening out. But I'm terrified, basically, of meeting all my long-lost family-members all at once and them staring into my eyes... mirrors of my soul... I don't know what they're going to see. I'm terrified of what my soul might tell ... maybe, after all, I ought to wear dark glasses... I don't know. Binky is really pissed off with me for nearly adopting a furry great doggie, offered by Mitt offering free of charge. If I took on a crossbred dog she is EXACTLY the cross I would request ~~ a German Shepherd/Akita. And a SHE! A SHE! I ALWAYS wanted a great furry Akita, didn't I always say that? Well Mitt, who's HIV+ among so many other of his problems says I can have this doggie absolutely free ... who was going to go to Battersea (famous London dogs' home).

The way I see it, regarding the doggie is, the best I can do is take her on. And if we don't get on, or if she's too badly behaved, I myself can dump her in doggie prison. Being bushy-furred and Akita and female I know for a fact that her time in Doggie Prison won't last long. It's Staffordshire bull terriers who end up doing Life because they're what I call Badly Behaved (going nuts whenever a person comes to the door, jumping up at people, pulling on the lead... etc)... plus Staffies are so popular these days I expect it's no Understatement to declare that about one dog in three in Britain these days is a Staffordshire Bull Terrier...(!)

Well I don't know what to say. Although Binky disapproves, and although my feelings are severely mixed... it probably Is the Right Thing that I Don't Come to this funeral on Thursday... and it might Also Be The Wrong Thing to take on this doggie that I've always wanted, but hell, if Mitt brings her round on Weds as promised ~~ providing he furnishes me with lead and bowl and a good week's supply of food, I think I WILL take her on. The poor swine needs somebody to love her and I have so much love to give to somebody who is bushy-furred who will not hate me back...

Sorry: I really need to go now. It's dark and I need a cigarette. The DSS have messed up my money so I'm reduced to penury. The electricity on Emergency. My mood hit a pretty extreme low this past weekend. On Saturday I tried taking my medication in the afternoon (as prescribed) in order to, as my near-neonatal GP recently declared, "regulate" my mood. But all it did was to smack me out from about five PM until I awoke at midnight, just in time for MORE meds... straight back to sleep till about 8:30 and less than an hour later drowsing till after two in the afternoon. This means I slept nearly TWENTY HOURS out of TWENTY-FOUR. Ridiculous, I know. But, the mood I was in, it was SURELY BETTER THAN HAVING to ENDURE all THAT TIME AWAKE..!!

I don't know what else to say, except that my moods this past week have been bad. Most of the time I endure rather than enjoy. I wasted ridiculous money in Iceland yesterday, wishing I had not blown the sliver-slim remnant of my cash on Mr Kipling's Rum n Raisin Slices and a box of Thornton's Milk Chocolates (when really I'd far have preferred plain but hey you gotta go for what's there...)... I used drugs today and hyper-reacted. I have to stop the drugs. Without them I feel too terrible for words. Or too manic-depressive. I never know what is going to happen.  Binky is annoyed with me because I told her this morning that I ought to take up the habit of regularly overdosing on my medication like she does. I think she finds the notion of my copying her behaviour unconscionable. Oh I don't know about any of this. My head is in a whirl and a swirl and I don't know what else.

Please take care of yourselves and each other. I wonder WHY it is so incredibly DAMP and CLAMMY and FREEZING COLD and INCREDIBLY CLOSE weather. HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE DAYS.

TAKE CARE, EVERYONE. i HATE winters. HATE having to SURVIVE. HATE EVERYTHING about these days.

I really hope my Family is OK, those who are grieving the most... but I don't know what else to do apart from follow the advice I have been given and if Binky wants to guilt trip me over situations she does not understand... well she can waste her breath as much as she pleases but I've never been one to dance to anybody else's tune and I'm not gonna start doing so now!

i haven't read this back... i hope i haven't said anything TOO Terrible... {o bloody hell: please no!}

Peace, love and respect to you all XxxXxxX

Hey I've just clocked WHY Binky went so nuts at me earlier for switching off my phone: DSM Diagnostic Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder:~~~ "frantic attempts to avoid Abandonment, real or imagined"...



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HAVE A LOVELY MUSICAL EVENING
MADONNA: BLOND AMBITION TOUR ~ LIVE IN JAPAN


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