I HAVE GONE BACK to a place I was stuck in for years. That is: my underlying mood is low. I feel bleak and empty and so cold that I sleep in coat, hat and scarf. I only feel like I'm surviving because I rely on heroin to keep me this side of sanity. I've tried and tried to go "clean" (sticking to methadone alone) but within a couple of days without heroin I'm starting to feel lousy. By the third day I feel absolutely terrible. I've never gone beyond three days without because I can't handle feeling that bad. I found somebody at the methadone clinic who actually listened to me. She said that unless the depression can be medicated away, there's little help of methadone doing any good. I've been trying and trying to kick the gear but it isn't happening. I was stuck in this situation for years ~ unable to go without gear, because when I did I felt too bad for words. No doctor was ever able to diagnose the situation because a doctor would only see me with heroin in my system. Without heroin, I'd never have made it out the door. Well I'm going to try surviving on methadone alone and just push through it, no matter how bad I feel. It's from the extremes of mood that much truth is seen. I just hope I can make it through. I hope I can survive.
When I'm feeling really OK, music really can make me feel GOOD... but judging by the recent past, if I do keep to my plan ~ I'll be gear-free by Friday, and feeling terrible... wonder what it'll be able to do for me then...?...
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