I WAS GOING to name this post The Bipolar Porkshire as there was this furry blonde doggie (a porkshire cross) at the supermarket howling and baying and groaning and moaning and hollering out as loud as possible in doggie language and I kept saying "are you a furry maniac?!" and the doggie bayed back.
I only feel human today because I went and took heroin this morning. Before then I was frozen... as Madonna would say, my heart was not open. Or as I would say, I was drifting downwards towards worthlessness. I've had enough moods of such extremity to be able to say that mood and value (plus personal self-esteem) are inextricably linked. And I've been falling from over-valued to valueless. Sorry to put it that way but it's true. I hope y'all are feeling better than I do. And I hope you don't need to take an illegal class A drug in order to just feel "normal". Methadone doesn't make me feel "normal". If flat, depressed, hollow, empty, meaningless and worthless count as normal then yes I've been feeling very normal indeed.
I'm going to attack my druggieworker next week and demand to know if he really feels as terrible as he likes to say, why doesn't he just top himself? I would, if I felt that way. The one single reason why I hang on is my elevated opiate tolerance. If I could only get off the methadone, and hence reset my tolerance to that of an ordinary "opiate-naïve" person I could deliberately overdose and have a good chance of success. I'm not saying I want to kill myself now. But I do wake up in the morning wondering why on earth I should go on. Questioning why I should get out of bed. If it wasn't for next door's workmen drilling right into my wall and a phone call that woke me at 10am I might still be in bed now. There was nothing at all worth getting up for. Even visiting the heroin dealer was more stress than joy. If only I could go to a tree in my garden that grew heroin, ready purified and wrapped up, that would be so much easier. Or get it from Boots the chemist's at 30p a gram, china white. If only the world were more accommodating to the hopeless drug addict.
I think that's the first thing you learn at NA: that the world is not out to help you in your quest to perpetuate your drug addiction, and that as a recovering addict the biggest key to success is to negotiate life on life's terms... ha! If only I could put my money where my mouth is, instead of pumping it straight into my veins... things might be so different... See, I say this, but I don't really mean it. Life without heroin has only ever been worthless ~ or if not, blank, or psychotic, or hypomanic, or hyper-manic. All of the above.
Right I have to go; I'm running out of time. Have a tolerable weekend and Take care, all of you...
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