I WOKE UP in a real bad mood, seeing as I have "given up heroin for ever" (yes this is only setting me up for yet another fall, so stay tuned for much amusement when it happens)... anyway I have no intention of ever touching that noxious crap again.
Anyway that's all in the past. So I was in a bad mood over that. And the fact that my drugs worker had gone and made me a 10am appointment. When such early appointments are made I'm always extremely glad to have them early and out of the way with. Then the day comes and I don't want to get out of bed. 300mg of quetiapine really doesn't help with this.
My worker was being all sarky telling me to wake up etc, when I felt completely brain dead and empty and just not with it. All this could easily, by the way, be a part of my "illness" as much as it ever was drug-induced, I've never actually needed drugs to feel gone-out and wuzzy (CFS makes you feel like that in a big way). You just have to look at a room full of schizophrenics (and just about everybody on a mental ward who isn't manic or depressed is schizophrenic) to see how gone-out the condition can make a person. As for feeling hyped up and excited, I don't need drugs for that either. When it happens naturally it's just called a "manic episode", or if milder, a hypomanic one. So I don't need drugs for any of this. All through the years I've been accused loads of times of being on drugs when I was totally off them. (I'm talking right back through the years before I was on heroin.) Partly this is because my friends seemed to make the annoying assumption that my depressed self was somehow the real me. So when I'm suddenly dazzlingly sparky, witty and more with it than they'll ever be I absolutely have to be on drugs. Actually THAT is the real me. I'd love to be able to say the realest me only manifests in full-on mania when it reaches mindblowing intensity. But if that's so I'm a very self-centred person who doesn't give a flying crap for anyone else's thoughts or feelings or anything they have to say. In fact when I really was manic my capacity for empathy nearly disappeared. When you feel multiple trillions of volts of energy flowing straight through your brain you do tend to get like that.
The only excitement of today is me defrosting my fridge with a gallon to a gallon-and-a-half of ice in it. It's the really oldfashioned type of fridge my nana used to have with a tiny ice-making compartment just about big enough for a tub of ice cream. Most of the meltwater went on the floor until I realized that if I took out the salad compartment it could drip directly down into that. So the floors shouldn't have collapsed with sogginess when I get back.
The guy diagonal from me in this internet caff is watching some really dirty porn set in an expensive-looking Mediterranean villa. I think if the owner came back suddenly he'd be disgusted to know where his antique silver candlesticks have just been! How come the swimming pools in these places are always a mandy shade of blue? When I get my own I'm having electric blue with laser lighting. Or bright yellow. Or maybe purple and yellow in the deep end, electric blue in the shallow end.
The satellite shop said they could put in German TV, dish, box, everything for £150. That's not bad. And you get at least 90 free channels. You can also get French and German TV from the same dish, if you get a multi-satellite feed (not a motorized dish: the dish stays in the same place but it has multiple dinkadonks on it receiving different satellite positions) so maybe I'll ask for that. If it's just £10 extra. Which I don't think it will be...
Well I gotta go now. Listen to this top tune. Lots of DONK-DONK-DONK...
IF YOU WANT 3 HOURS OF NONSTOP DONK, CLICKONTHIS:~~~
The first 4 mins is crap, so bear with it...
BEVERLYBABE, this is for you. Keep it on and keep it going LOUD... The best traxx are at 17 mins 20 and 47 mins...
Illustrated: this is what my fridge looks like; German TV Guide; electric key-meter, like mine......
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