YEAH... today I came to this horrible realization: that I have to drop the Big H, the Killer B, heroin, skag, smack, brown number 3, whatever you want to call it. I wasted money I couldn't really afford on a dose just because I had a bellyache, which was almost certainly caused by quaffing down Lithuanian cherry cyder for breakfast... As ye sow, so shall ye reap, you see...
Ever since I hit up many weeks ago, and then found myself feeling hyped up hours later so that I couldn't sleep all night, heroin appears to be having a "paradoxical effect" it never used to have in that every now and then, several hours after taking a dose (if you look it up, heroin is supposed to work for about four hours, this takes place after that time has elapsed) it's helping make me or keep me hypomanic. This doesn't happen every time I take it: if I'm depressed before I use, I usually simply feel less depressed. But if hypomania is crouched around the corner, it seems to be bringing it out of hiding.
I just don't know what's going on any more. I'm on enough of a (mental) health kick to have completely given up caffeine (yet again).
The first time I gave up caffeine I had been suffering from depression, which had mostly faded leaving an ongoing sense of free-floating anxiety (ie anxiety related to nothing in particular). I also happened to be drinking at least five cups of strong tea per day. When I switched to decaffeinated tea, the anxiety quickly vanished.
A few months ago I drank four cups of tea in the space of a couple of hours, after which my mood felt noticably "elevated" (like I'd taken a little bit of speed). As the afternoon pinged past, the caffeine buzz became intertwined with depression, so that I just felt "weird". And then I became really paranoid and terrified that if this feeling didn't go, I'd end up in a mental unit. I really did feel very strange indeed ~ and caffeine seemed to have set off the whole episode. So I now don't drink any caffeine at all. Which makes respectable tea-drinking impossible (because I don't really like decaff tea). The only non-caffeinated, non-alcoholic beverage I can stomach in large amounts is Sainsbury's own lemonade. It's like the lemonade I drank in my childhood. No aspartame or acesulfame-K (unlike Morrisons'). No real lemon juice (which R Whites now add to theirs). Just old-fashioned 1970s style lemonade. Which my dentist would probably reprimand me over... but nobody's perfect. The only other drink I like is chicken and vegetable Cup-A-Soup with croutons (it has to have croutons).
Once I've kicked heroin, I've kicked drugs. There is nothing left, chemical-wise, to inspire me.
I have never promised myself never ever to take another Valium, or sleeping pill, because I don't and never did abuse these. Taking one 10mg diazepam because you're on the verge of a panic attack is no more drug abuse than is taking aspirin for a headache. Whether or not my doctor prescribed it is neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned. The Seroquel I'm on feels like Valium and sleeping pills anyhow. Usually, I get really good sleep on the stuff, which is one reason I don't want to switch to Olanzapine (Zyprexa) like my GP suggested last time I got a refill.
Well this post was written completely off the top of my head, so I hope it's reasonably OK. I have an appointment at the methadone clinic tomorrow and I think I'm going to have to say the unsayable: that me and heroin are finally going to part. It had to happen sooner or later, else there's no point reducing my methadone. The time is coming when using on top is going to completely saboutage my detox. I've given up heroin before. When Britain was in complete heroin drought in late 2010/early 2011 I didn't touch the stuff for weeks on end. Even though I was stupid enough to go back to it, at least I proved to myself that abstainance is possible.
And anyway ~ here's Madonna!
OPEN YOUR HEART The video seems totally irrelevant to the theme of this song, but hey...
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