At the Doctor's: 100mg Up

私は落ち込んでいます。
私は惨めです。
I DON'T KNOW WHY doctors' surgeries always insist on giving me early morning appointments. At the time Im' always happy thinking Well I'll get this out of the way then I'll have the rest of the day to myself. Then the morning of the appointment comes and I'm sleep-deprived and feeling very ratty. I had to force myself in the shower because I hadn't bothered washing all alst week so I was absolutely festering.

The doctor took one look at me and asked whether I was depressed. When I collected my pills from the chemist I noticed hehad put the dose up to 2x150mg. I somehow doubt this is going to work. I had intended to request a 100mg dosage increase anyhow, but when the time came, I felt too shy to ask. And when I do feel mentally sick I wouldn't venture to tell any medical professional because I doubt they would ever believe me.

I have a bad track record with psychiatrists. I have been chucked off their lists twice. The first time it happened a new doctor was taking over. I had never seen this new doctor before and probably I was raecting to his manner because I told him how dysphoric I felt and yet I was all smiles. I wasn't lying. But after this I began to second-guess myself, doubting I felt how I felt I felt and feeling my feelings, and any emotional condition they implied, were unreal.

When I got home I fell asleep on the couch. Later I retired to bed, hiding under the duvet. I didn't wake until past 6pm.